Just Sit Back And Relapse Again — Dear Hope

Back in March, the mental health blog “Dear Hope” approached me about doing a piece. “Dear Hope” was started about a year and a half ago as a school project for college student Paul Falcone. Paul has managed to create a community where people can express their struggles through art. He even has a photography project of his own that I shared a bit of on here before.

I finally finished writing it around July (thank you, anxiety). The article is linked below. I hope once you’ve finished reading mine, you’ll take a look around the site and see how others are coping with your struggles. As Paul has said time and again, remember that you are not alone.

I always thought that medication would be the final solution to all of my issues. I thought that I would suddenly take my stressors head on and beat them. I thought I’d immediately stop binging on food and television because I would be too busy being awesome. Imagine my surprise when that didn’t happen.

via Just Sit Back And Relapse Again — Dear Hope

Goodbye, Dr. D

Met with the PsyD today to have a conversation neither of us wanted. She was friendly with my psychiatrist (Dr. D), so this hit her hard, too. She didn’t even get the luxury of being contacted by Dr. D’s office. She found out because one of her clients came in to get a referral for a new psychiatrist. I guess it’s been one after the other this week. Dr. D only referred people to two therapists, so the PsyD’s having to deal with this over and over. I can’t even imagine what that feels like.

I’ve been so blessed through this last year. I was blessed to find Dr. D last May. I was blessed that she immediately put me on the right medication. I was blessed that she referred me to the PsyD, who has been an absolute rock through everything. I’ve been blessed to have Mom and Kalynne and Taylor by my side even when I hid away for weeks. I’ve been blessed to have Lady A (not the band), who did so much for my self-esteem without realizing it. I can’t express my gratitude enough for these people. I love them more than I can say.

Life is hectic, filled with ups and downs even without my crazy brain, but I’m one of the lucky ones. Dr. D made sure of that.

Numb

Orlando, Dallas, Nice, Istanbul. . . . I feel like I haven’t stopped crying for weeks.

I got a letter in the mail today. My 46-year-old psychiatrist died of an unexpected medical emergency.

I feel like there aren’t even words anymore.

Another Meditation

Had to make another trip to the meditation spot tonight. Brain’s busy, health problems are revisiting, letting go is taking place. It’s going to be an interesting year, filled with change. A lot of change.

Tonight’s mantra:

I am okay.
I am okay.
I am okay.
I am okay.
I am sick.
I am sad.
I am grieving.
I am healing.
I am scared.
It is okay to be sick.
It is okay to be sad.
It is okay to be grieving.
It is okay to be healing.
It is okay to be scared.
Because I am all of these things
I am okay.

Holding Emotions

I saw the most beautiful, kind, inspiring woman hold back tears and words today when I spoke to her. I wish I had asked if they were happy or sad tears.

If they were sad, all I want to do now is tell her that I survive day in and day out by telling myself I am okay. Hurt and fear and grief and love and happiness and passion are all emotions that are okay; therefore I am okay.

I hope she is, too.