Just Sit Back And Relapse Again — Dear Hope

Back in March, the mental health blog “Dear Hope” approached me about doing a piece. “Dear Hope” was started about a year and a half ago as a school project for college student Paul Falcone. Paul has managed to create a community where people can express their struggles through art. He even has a photography project of his own that I shared a bit of on here before.

I finally finished writing it around July (thank you, anxiety). The article is linked below. I hope once you’ve finished reading mine, you’ll take a look around the site and see how others are coping with your struggles. As Paul has said time and again, remember that you are not alone.

I always thought that medication would be the final solution to all of my issues. I thought that I would suddenly take my stressors head on and beat them. I thought I’d immediately stop binging on food and television because I would be too busy being awesome. Imagine my surprise when that didn’t happen.

via Just Sit Back And Relapse Again — Dear Hope

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Orlando, Dallas, Nice, Istanbul. . . . I feel like I haven’t stopped crying for weeks.

I got a letter in the mail today. My 46-year-old psychiatrist died of an unexpected medical emergency.

I feel like there aren’t even words anymore.

Another Meditation

Had to make another trip to the meditation spot tonight. Brain’s busy, health problems are revisiting, letting go is taking place. It’s going to be an interesting year, filled with change. A lot of change.

Tonight’s mantra:

I am okay.
I am okay.
I am okay.
I am okay.
I am sick.
I am sad.
I am grieving.
I am healing.
I am scared.
It is okay to be sick.
It is okay to be sad.
It is okay to be grieving.
It is okay to be healing.
It is okay to be scared.
Because I am all of these things
I am okay.

Holding Emotions

I saw the most beautiful, kind, inspiring woman hold back tears and words today when I spoke to her. I wish I had asked if they were happy or sad tears.

If they were sad, all I want to do now is tell her that I survive day in and day out by telling myself I am okay. Hurt and fear and grief and love and happiness and passion are all emotions that are okay; therefore I am okay.

I hope she is, too.

I Politely Decline Your Definition of “Impossible”

Things are going wrong right now, so very, very wrong. I don’t know how to stop them from continuing, but something has to happen. Everyone seems to be at a loss. Some people seemed to be resigned to accepting the black cloud over our heads. “It is what it is.”

If you’ve read very many of my posts, you know that I don’t believe in that phrase. I’ve even suggested to have people fired for using it. Apparently HR does’t seem to consider that a valid violation of department policy.

(98% of that is a joke. I have not actually suggested this to HR, though I have brought it up in a few management meetings.)

If you want something to get better, you cannot give into defeatism. Today, I sat curled up in a chair in the office, with my emotions written all over my face. My manager told me to stop looking so depressed.

I don’t do politics. I do results. All one has to do is look at the United States government to see that the two rarely go hand-in-hand. How do I do both without sacrificing my soul in the process?

I’ve been told this is an impossible fight. I like those odds.