It’s been another interesting (good) day. I’m a little behind at work, but hopefully I can take care of that soon enough. I’m thinking iPod, Pentatonix, and Do Not Disturb on IM, starting around 10 PM? Yes?
All of that aside, I made a new friend at work last night. We had an issue with our statistics-monitoring program, so I called it in to the IT help desk . . . who sent it off to the wrong department. With an hour, I befriended the slightly befuddled gent on the other side of instant messenger. As new friend said, it was a bit serendipitous that my issue happened to land (incorrectly) in his hands, as we ended up chatting off and on for the next . . . oh, six hours or so.
Additional good news on that front, I now have a reason to brush up on my Spanish (my Spanish is next to nothing–I can tell you my phone number, that I am a woman, and that I drink water; not quite like the days of yore [junior year] when my thoughts were in Latin [thank you very much, Mister Batchelder]). He’s from a Spanish-speaking family, but has lost most of his first language over the years. Learning Spanish has been on my bucket list for ages, so I told him we have to practice.
There’s a longer blog post–or four–percolating in the back of my mind. Maybe I’ll spend part of my weekend writing and scheduling those. Maybe.
EDIT: Just realized WordPress fixed their new post format! Oh, the happiness I feel right now. . . .
Day 11 (Friday)
If you can’t tell from my earlier post, I’m feeling much better today. The fiery passion of like-minded individuals at work has helped take my mind off of the upsetting personal matters for the time being. In addition, I had the accidental opportunity to network with an amazing individual this evening at a colleague’s birthday party. Said amazing individual gave me incentive to continue writing about ways to improve customer experience.
The rest of the day was spent working on character development–Devin’s still a bit two-dimensional for my taste, so I’m taking what I’ve learned from binge-watching Nikita and doing freewrites to explore her moral compass–and rereading Bridget Jones’s Diary. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that other people, fictional as they may be, are crazier than I am.
It’s nice to feel happy today. I’m excited to see what happens tomorrow. I’m actually in a mood where I may be able to set microscopically short term goals (read: 2-4 hours at a time) and accomplish them, like “Review Devin’s chapters” and “Finish setting up ticketing instructions” and “Re-lace tennis shoes.” Beats the hell out of the last goal I set up.
I definitely have this song stuck in my head. It’s just pretty. Damn these earworm factories.
Day 9 & 10 (Wednesday & Thursday)
Yesterday was not good. I was angry . . . am angry. . . . I guess that’s one of the stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance–except that acceptance seems to come and go for me. I’m cycling through the other four like there’s no tomorrow. Right now, I’m angry that my best friend said he would be there for me, and he’s nowhere in sight. I’m angry that it’s my fault. I’m angry that I hurt him. I’m angry that what I want most in the world right now would end with someone else, the new girlfriend, getting hurt. I’m angry that I’m obsessing over this. I know this is obsession. I’m not blind or ignorant. I know how unhealthy my mental state is.
Today, my mentor asked why I was so willing to stay extra hours at work. I told her that being at work is better than being home, alone with my thoughts. Work is all-consuming during the hours I’m there. It’s all about solving problems, creating solutions, designing success for my colleagues. I’m not too bad at my job, and I’m passionate about customer service. I’m passionate about trying to forget why everything hurts when I walk in the house, when I go to sleep at night.
Another sleeping pill tonight. Maybe tomorrow I won’t cry. Maybe my thoughts won’t circle. Maybe every song on the radio won’t remind me of him. Maybe I’ll get back to whatever mental state I was in six months ago, when I decided that breaking the promises I made him was the right course of action. I’m not living day by day right now. I’m minute by minute, and each one I’m slipping further away.
At least tonight I’ll sleep.
Day 5 (Saturday)
- Straight to work 2.5 hours early, no sleep
- Met people I’ve wanted to meet for years
- Helped with the communication flow during a massive system update
- Sneezed, like, a million times
- Fell asleep as soon as I got home (thank you, Benadryl)
- Hung out with Mom (watched Castle on Hulu)
- Watched too many episodes of Nikita
Food-wise, the day was pretty regrettable. A lot of sugar, some vegetables around breakfast.
The emotions all day were pretty up and down. I don’t know if it was mental exhaustion, allergies, or what. One minute, I was totally fine, the next a basketcase. My thoughts were/are all over the place. I’ve been doing better when I’m wholly focused on something distracting. In the early AM, it was work–watching brilliant men and women pull together a piece of the merger, overcome hiccups, and successfully communicate the changes to our employees.
In the evening, it was falling into season 1 of Nikita, which I’ve never watched all the way through. I love the character-driven narratives. Each character has his or her own story and moral compass, without the petty crap of soap operas. That, and Shane West is marvelous in that broody, emotionally damaged way.
The only time I fell apart was when the show stopped, so I just kept watching . . . and watching, and watching, and watching. The good thing is the creative wheels are turning in my mind. Distractions are good sometimes.
I’ve been doing a lot of freewriting lately, both on here and in notebooks around my home. It’s been freeing, to just let the ideas flow without concern of trying to advance the plots of my active stories. I’ve been able to explore different ideas, different mentalities for my characters while I struggle with the direction I want to go.
It helps that life has been a bit absurd lately. I am not one to get nightmares, but Wednesday morning, I woke up mentally unwell after a dream I can still remember. My regular responsibilities were disposed of for the rest of the week (read: I chose to stay home with my mom rather than go to the gym) while I tried to work through the fog left by the dream. I haven’t tried interpreting the nightmare, but I’m pretty sure most psychologists would consider me a lunatic for allowing it to unnerve me. Who has nightmares about laundry racks, anyway?
The fog hasn’t gone away–some emotional damages have come to light and I’m working on those (you’ll probably see a few more freewrites over the next week since it’s cheaper than therapy)–but work is doing an excellent job of keeping me happy and focused in the hours I’m there. That is a huge bonus, and I’m extremely blessed to have a job that stays active and intriguing.
To top it all off, Dry River Yacht Club is playing tonight at Crescent Ballroom, and I’ve only been waiting, like, three months to see them again. Then again, waiting seems to be the story of my life right now (I think I’ve discovered the theme of the next freewrite!).
I hope you all, old friends, new friends, and friends-in-between, are having a wonderful 2015 so far. Enjoy your weekend, and I’ll write again soon!