Lack of Anything

You know those days when you have no enthusiasm for anything? No feeling, no happiness or sadness or drive or anything at all? I’m having a lot of those days. I don’t know what’s causing it. Maybe it’s just another one of my depressed phases, if you can call utter lack of feeling “depression.” I guess it is, in a way.

I’ve tried to get out of it. I hung out with Taylor a couple of times–we went to see Moana, and then we watched Tarzan on Tuesday, but nada. I felt nothing. No excitement, no interest. We talked about hoodoo, which is fascinating stuff, and I couldn’t get into it. We talked about my (lack of) love life and still, I felt nothing. It’s like I don’t even exist right now.

It’s been a struggle to keep taking my medication at the same time every day. The best I’ve ever done was when I had pneumonia last year and had to take my steroids at the exact same time each day. Lately, I forget to take the medication. I have to get my meds refilled soon, but I’m probably going to forget that too until the absolute last minute. It’s just the way things are going at the moment.

Oy. I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to evoke some sort of enthusiasm for life, but nothing seems to be working yet. Writing is at a standstill. Patrick is about ready to head into a meeting with the governor and I can’t think of a damn thing for the men to say to each other. Skipping ahead solves nothing because I’ve already written most of the rest of the book. I’m stuck on what’s basically the last piece of the puzzle.

Thoughts? I’m thinking about making a list of my unsolved projects and trying to mark off one each day just to feel like I’m doing something, but the drive to even write the list seems to have floated away on a breeze. Some days it’s a wonder I manage to function at all. If I didn’t live with someone who did the grocery shopping and kept me engaged with the rest of the world, I’d probably end up reverting back to the way I was in Seattle: alone, not eating, and completely miserable and disconnected.

Anyway. This has been a mess of a post. I wish I had more interesting things to write, maybe wild anecdotes about living in the desert, or a comparison of Moana to the rest of the Disney princess films, or a dissertation on how Taylor and I related to Tarzan in completely different ways, but the words are failing me. Not so good for a writer, hmm?

How do you guys get yourselves out of ruts? Any advice is welcome.

Serendipity?

It’s been another interesting (good) day. I’m a little behind at work, but hopefully I can take care of that soon enough. I’m thinking iPod, Pentatonix, and Do Not Disturb on IM, starting around 10 PM? Yes?

All of that aside, I made a new friend at work last night. We had an issue with our statistics-monitoring program, so I called it in to the IT help desk . . . who sent it off to the wrong department. With an hour, I befriended the slightly befuddled gent on the other side of instant messenger. As new friend said, it was a bit serendipitous that my issue happened to land (incorrectly) in his hands, as we ended up chatting off and on for the next . . . oh, six hours or so.

Additional good news on that front, I now have a reason to brush up on my Spanish (my Spanish is next to nothing–I can tell you my phone number, that I am a woman, and that I drink water; not quite like the days of yore [junior year] when my thoughts were in Latin [thank you very much, Mister Batchelder]). He’s from a Spanish-speaking family, but has lost most of his first language over the years. Learning Spanish has been on my bucket list for ages, so I told him we have to practice.

There’s a longer blog post–or four–percolating in the back of my mind. Maybe I’ll spend part of my weekend writing and scheduling those. Maybe.

EDIT: Just realized WordPress fixed their new post format! Oh, the happiness I feel right now. . . .

Regaining Focus

Day 11 (Friday)

If you can’t tell from my earlier post, I’m feeling much better today. The fiery passion of like-minded individuals at work has helped take my mind off of the upsetting personal matters for the time being. In addition, I had the accidental opportunity to network with an amazing individual this evening at a colleague’s birthday party. Said amazing individual gave me incentive to continue writing about ways to improve customer experience.

The rest of the day was spent working on character development–Devin’s still a bit two-dimensional for my taste, so I’m taking what I’ve learned from binge-watching Nikita and doing freewrites to explore her moral compass–and rereading Bridget Jones’s Diary. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that other people, fictional as they may be, are crazier than I am.

It’s nice to feel happy today. I’m excited to see what happens tomorrow. I’m actually in a mood where I may be able to set microscopically short term goals (read: 2-4 hours at a time) and accomplish them, like “Review Devin’s chapters” and “Finish setting up ticketing instructions” and “Re-lace tennis shoes.” Beats the hell out of the last goal I set up.

Post-Publication Amendment:

I definitely have this song stuck in my head. It’s just pretty. Damn these earworm factories.

Minute by Minute

Day 9 & 10 (Wednesday & Thursday)

Yesterday was not good. I was angry . . . am angry. . . . I guess that’s one of the stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance–except that acceptance seems to come and go for me. I’m cycling through the other four like there’s no tomorrow. Right now, I’m angry that my best friend said he would be there for me, and he’s nowhere in sight. I’m angry that it’s my fault. I’m angry that I hurt him. I’m angry that what I want most in the world right now would end with someone else, the new girlfriend, getting hurt. I’m angry that I’m obsessing over this. I know this is obsession. I’m not blind or ignorant. I know how unhealthy my mental state is.

Today, my mentor asked why I was so willing to stay extra hours at work. I told her that being at work is better than being home, alone with my thoughts. Work is all-consuming during the hours I’m there. It’s all about solving problems, creating solutions, designing success for my colleagues. I’m not too bad at my job, and I’m passionate about customer service. I’m passionate about trying to forget why everything hurts when I walk in the house, when I go to sleep at night.

Another sleeping pill tonight. Maybe tomorrow I won’t cry. Maybe my thoughts won’t circle. Maybe every song on the radio won’t remind me of him. Maybe I’ll get back to whatever mental state I was in six months ago, when I decided that breaking the promises I made him was the right course of action. I’m not living day by day right now. I’m minute by minute, and each one I’m slipping further away.

At least tonight I’ll sleep.

Distractions

Day 5 (Saturday)

  • Straight to work 2.5 hours early, no sleep
  • Met people I’ve wanted to meet for years
  • Helped with the communication flow during a massive system update
  • Sneezed, like, a million times
  • Fell asleep as soon as I got home (thank you, Benadryl)
  • Hung out with Mom (watched Castle on Hulu)
  • Watched too many episodes of Nikita

Food-wise, the day was pretty regrettable. A lot of sugar, some vegetables around breakfast.

The emotions all day were pretty up and down. I don’t know if it was mental exhaustion, allergies, or what. One minute, I was totally fine, the next a basketcase. My thoughts were/are all over the place. I’ve been doing better when I’m wholly focused on something distracting. In the early AM, it was work–watching brilliant men and women pull together a piece of the merger, overcome hiccups, and successfully communicate the changes to our employees.

In the evening, it was falling into season 1 of Nikita, which I’ve never watched all the way through. I love the character-driven narratives. Each character has his or her own story and moral compass, without the petty crap of soap operas. That, and Shane West is marvelous in that broody, emotionally damaged way.

The only time I fell apart was when the show stopped, so I just kept watching . . . and watching, and watching, and watching. The good thing is the creative wheels are turning in my mind. Distractions are good sometimes.