I’m so tired of this. Same old story, once, twice, three times a week. Whole weeks at a time.
I had an anxiety attack a week or so ago. Didn’t leave my office unless I absolutely had to, apologized to my boss, explained what I was doing to calm down. She appeared to understand. I’ve had anxiety attacks before at work, and whether she believes me or not, she’s giving me enough space to handle them. I have to appreciate that.
Today, I feel paralyzed. Not physically (so much) since my fingers are moving enough to type this. Mentally. I’m stuck, frozen on the inside. Every small surge of emotion, positive or negative, threatens to throw me into complete meltdown. I only slept for two hours before insomnia kicked in. Now my head is spinning. Several times in the last few weeks (around 2x a week), I’ve felt myself slip in and out of consciousness for a split second.
I’m three days behind on two projects, and about a month behind on another. I have a passion project I’d like to work on. I’m starting school, and I need to check on my electronic bills. Emotionally, I’m not even remotely okay (in a everything-is-making-me-cry way, not a going-psycho way). I’m sticking to my meds, trying to limit my caffeine, eat healthier, and still I have days like this. I don’t know what else to do at this point.
A gentleman at my favorite diner overheard my conversation with a friend about all of the current stressors in my life. One of the huge ones is the knowledge that I have 7 classes left in my B.A. Seven. Without a job, I could knock them out in two semesters, and take a just-for-fun class on top of them.
The problem? For the first time ever, I have a job that I don’t want to give up for any reason. People respect me in a way I’ve never seen before. I’m learning at a fast pace, improving my technical writing skills through dedication to inter-department needs.
It’s completely overwhelming, but I feel like I can’t stop. I know I’m doing this to myself. I know that I’m causing my own issues, my own anxiety. And here I am, sitting at home, nauseous, exhausted, and determining what I can get done in the next 4 hours before I head into work.
I don’t know what to do.