Spinning Wheels

The last week has been boring. Or maybe not boring. Maybe I’m just tired and have little to say.

My emotions are circling down, down, down again. I don’t see people. IRL friends have become a thing of memory while I struggle to have enthusiasm for basically anything. I don’t answer text messages, I don’t set up meets, and I rarely leave the house since everywhere I want to go is a place he might be. My introverted nature is wearing; I miss the extroverted side.

I lost control of my emotions about 8 days ago, along with control of my physical illness, and ended up calling in sick to work. “Calling in sick” for me means taking a few extra hours to get my shit together enough to drive into the office. My boss sent me home after two hours, citing my “paleness.”

Uh, I’m actually this pale 100% of the time.

One of my saving graces–one of the reasons I don’t go completely crazy–is a friend I made a work. He’s like me: a self-taught computer aficionado with an easy sense of humor and a snap-into-action mode when things go to hell. Talking to him makes breathing a little easier, except that he wasn’t at work Friday night, and he didn’t respond to a text. I haven’t heard from him since Friday morning, and I’m a little concerned.

The need to go back to school is bearing down on me more and more. I’m dissatisfied just working. I love my job, but I’m just not . . . what I’m doing isn’t stimulating. I’m not learning anything, and I want to get this degree finished so I can go to the next step. Maybe a second bachelor’s degree. Maybe certifications in my areas of interest. Maybe starting my Masters of Architecture.

I just want to learn something, and right now I’m spinning my wheels. I’ve learned SHARES. I’ve learned SABRE. The rare times I run across something I don’t know are times of exhilaration–here’s a chance to know more, to be better, to expand my horizons and share the new knowledge with someone else.

I’m thoroughly frustrated by the number of people who would rather hear the sounds of their own voices over the sounds of learning. I’m frustrated by the people who can’t understand the fluidity of our field–the airline industry is innovative, both in mechanical and computer technologies. Members of our field need to be able to adapt, and many of the people I interact with refuse to adapt.

So instead of soaring upwards on a current of new knowledge and solutions for a better tomorrow, I’m sinking, beaten down, and frustrated. I can’t express how much of a toll this is taking on me mentally and physically. If I didn’t love this job in spite of my spinning wheels, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t really know where I’d be. The concept and functionality of passenger service systems has become a great interest of mine, so maybe I’d go to work for the company that runs the software help desks. Maybe I’d try to become a programmer, or an instructional designer.

Something just needs to change. I feel like something is about to change, like there’s this great thrill waiting, just waiting, to occur at the right moment. I hope it comes soon. I need something to sweep me off my feet, even if it’s the opportunity to learn something new and fascinating. That would be ideal.

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