Stable Again

What a strange turn of events. After months of feeling like the world was going to end, I feel good–and it’s not just one day a week! It’s every day. It’s waking up and wanting to talk to the people I love. It’s looking forward to writing. It’s . . . sitting on a patio with my favorite beer, watching the sun set over a virgin desert.

Those of you that haven’t perused my blogroll don’t know that in the beginning, I wrote about finding your passion, following your dreams–all that inspirational shit that people only read when they’re already happy. I’m an extremely passionate person, and I’ve been told many times that I have the power to inspire people. I really, really want to do that–inspire people–on a regular basis. I’m still trying to find the right platform for my voice.

Things are changing. I’m becoming stronger with handling my workload, and the stress it causes. I’m feeling positive about 70% of the time, which is a huge improvement. When something frustrates me or goes wrong, I take a walk or I lay on the floor and breathe (did that in the office this morning; no one saw, but it would have made for a good laugh). I’m starting to consider the direction my life is going, with work, with school, and with the people I care about.

Times are definitely changing.

A few days ago, following the sunset and the transcendent peace, I had a feeling. You know how sometimes people just weigh on your mind, like the Universe is saying, “This person could use all of the positive energy you can send right now?” The person on my mind was someone I formed a tenuous friendship with a couple years ago, someone who’s been a question mark in the back of my mind since we lost touch. Four times have I met someone and almost immediately determined that I wanted him in my life, come Hell or high water. Three times have those men become like brothers to me.

Well, I found number four (speaking of which, that was a terrible book). Chronologically speaking, he’s number three on the list of four. I feel like our friendship is unfinished, like there’s something I was meant to learn from him or support him with, and in the past, I might have reached out immediately. Now . . . it feels like it’s not time. It feels like he needs the positive thoughts, the positive energy, but I have to finish this chapter before I can get to the part of the story where everything starts to make sense.

I feel confused, but content. I feel passionate and productive and I’m completely looking forward to my weekend and whatever adventures it might bring. The one thing I’m not feeling is the weight of depression, and I’m praying it will stay at away for awhile. I have to find out what’s ahead for me, because the energy I’m feeling in the people and the events around me is changing fast. Patience . . . it’s the hardest virtue to uphold right now, but I just feel like it’s going to pay off.

God, it feels so good to be happy again.

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