I’m going to be pretty brief today.
My lost friend came home this week. We met up last night to talk, which started out fine enough. We got past the initial awkwardness and fell back into the easy friendship we’ve always had. We spent four hours wandering, talking, and crying.
We decided that maintaining a normal friendship isn’t possible. The chemistry we have is too intense, he’s moved on, and I can’t be “just friends” with him. So we agreed to the only thing that will make it easier in the long run: we agreed to never see or contact each other again.
The parting was amicable, but I’ve never felt more like I was being ripped apart. I drove to work, thinking about personal experiments I’ve done to test my limits. I considered other ways of testing my limits, ways that wouldn’t end well.
I told my mentor about the decision this morning when she came in. She and I sat in the office and cried together for half an hour. She’s been through this, personally and with her daughters. She asked me what I said to him. I answered that I told him everything that might make a difference. I didn’t want the chance of running into him 20 years from now and saying those things and having him respond, “If only you had spoken up.”
We parted on the words, “Until I see you again,” knowing there’s a very good chance that will never happen.