Yesterday was bad. Like, really bad. Like, I was so deeply distraught over where my thoughts were going (“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” the mantra in my little journal yesterday–and those were the happy thoughts) that I decided to try sleeping until the thoughts went away. The result was sleeping just below the surface of consciousness, dreaming that my lost friend told me to O.D. on sleeping pills, “because that’s what [he] would do.” The dream got worse from there.
I did get up to go downstairs and take a couple of sleeping pills (OTC, nothing fancy) around 11 am. I wrote and rewrote and rewrote a letter to my lost friend, until most of the things I really wanted to say to him were eliminated. I put the letter in an email and hit send as my eyes began to cross from the drugs.
Even with the pills, I couldn’t fall into deep sleep. I felt the minutes ticking by as I slept just below the conscious level. Every two hours or so, I would surface, roll over, and try again to fall into deeper sleep. I woke when a friend texted, when another friend called, and when my mom came home from work. Restful sleep? I think not.
Around 7:30, the phone rang. It was the PhD. She had a patient cancel, so would I like to come in for therapy tomorrow at 11? We set up the appointment, I went to say goodnight to my mom, and I went back to bed.
10:30, a text message from one of my leads at work: “We’ve got an issue.” His texts continued, until I finally logged on to work at 1:30a to talk to him via IM. Turns out I may have caused the issue, which makes two major mistakes on my part in the course of 3 days. For any of you who know how much I love my job, you’ll know that’s devastating to me.
Now, I’m awake for real, up and ready to take on the day. I haven’t had anything to eat since Monday night, and the only water I’ve drank was the bare minimum to take my meds and the sleeping pills. I have a nasty tension headache just behind my right eye, so I’ll be adding ibuprofen to the cocktail this morning, before I head off to somewhere. I’m not sure where “somewhere” is yet, but I know sitting at home has been bad for me. I probably won’t change out of my pajamas, at least initially. Maybe I will before I go see the PhD. That’s a decision I don’t have to make right now.