Day 18 (Friday)
I hate homework. Just looking at the word causes me anxiety. As luck would have it, my little cousin in Denver had a Flat Stanley project (where he sends a cartoon cutout of himself in the mail to see all of the interesting places he’ll end up), and I was the family member chosen to respond. I had an anxiety attack last night when working on it, like full on rocking back and forth, flood of tears, hyperventilating. Not a good time. On a project for grade school. When my supervisor saw me this morning, she tried to send me home. I was still on edge.
It’s amazing how I can be fine for months. I can be a complete rockstar, totally balanced, yada yada, and without warning, this wave of depression and anxiety washes over me. I feel like someone drugged me with some poison I can only expel by crying and screaming. It’s exhausting and disheartening. I should be stronger than this. I should have that mental toughness. Instead, I get hooked on one negative idea, one issue, and it buries itself into my psyche, ripping me apart.
Yesterday was great, until I tried to do the project. Today started out with 3 hours of half-conscious sleep. Thankfully, I remembered a store of chamomile tea left in my desk, which definitely helped me get through the rest of the day.
Someday soon . . . everything’s going to be okay again someday soon. I’m just not sure if it takes patience, willpower, or blind luck to make it through this storm.