Day 14 (Monday)
“Don’t be public.” — don’t write blog posts about the games your mind is playing with itself.
“Don’t be weak.” — don’t cry, don’t bring your teddy bear to work.
“Don’t be vulnerable.” — don’t send a text message to someone who has the power to hurt you by choosing not to respond.
I’m tired of the don’ts. My anxiety levels are at record highs. I took another sleeping pill last night so that I could fall asleep even if my mind didn’t turn off. Spoilers: my mind didn’t turn off, so I dreamed of my anxieties instead. I found myself staring through a window, watching my loved ones go one with their lives while I stood still. While I could barely move.
I’m debating on taking another sleeping pill to get through the day, another when that wears off to get through the night. What really sounds good is a medically-induced coma. The whole Avicii, “So wake me up when it’s all over // when I’m wiser and I’m older,” makes sense for the first time now.
My brother is hellbent on reminding me that this is our year, that this will be the best year ever. I still believe that, but I have to correct my mistakes first. Still have 2 weeks before I see the psychiatrist. I feel like my life is on hold until then.