Don’t

Day 14 (Monday)

“Don’t be public.” — don’t write blog posts about the games your mind is playing with itself.

“Don’t be weak.” — don’t cry, don’t bring your teddy bear to work.

“Don’t be vulnerable.” — don’t send a text message to someone who has the power to hurt you by choosing not to respond.

I’m tired of the don’ts. My anxiety levels are at record highs. I took another sleeping pill last night so that I could fall asleep even if my mind didn’t turn off. Spoilers: my mind didn’t turn off, so I dreamed of my anxieties instead. I found myself staring through a window, watching my loved ones go one with their lives while I stood still. While I could barely move.

I’m debating on taking another sleeping pill to get through the day, another when that wears off to get through the night. What really sounds good is a medically-induced coma. The whole Avicii, “So wake me up when it’s all over // when I’m wiser and I’m older,” makes sense for the first time now.

My brother is hellbent on reminding me that this is our year, that this will be the best year ever. I still believe that, but I have to correct my mistakes first. Still have 2 weeks before I see the psychiatrist. I feel like my life is on hold until then.

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5 thoughts on “Don’t

  1. So many don’ts, so many things we are ‘supposed’ to do or not do to be ‘healthy.’ When is it ok to just be with ourself. Or rather, why is it so hard to be with the self in the first place? Sorry, just thinking…

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    • Keep thinking. I feel the same way. Being raised in the Church, I was programmed to hate my humanity. Going to college, I was programmed to hate my religion. I’ve spent a lot of my life listening to people, even when I thought I was listening to myself. I’m not really sure what to think anymore.

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  2. I’ve never really paid a whole lot of heed to the “don’t”s and I’ve paid the price for that now and then, but I prefer life that way. People tell me I’m genuine, and that always catches me off-guard because I haven’t tried to be, haven’t done anything – but then, that’s just it, isn’t it? Why people would say that? And the thing about the ‘don’t”s is that they’re all about this fake world that people want to pretend they’re a part of, of fear to be genuine. But I don’t hear about how that’s any less painless, I only hear about how that’s more strenuous to keep up the societally required mask. I brought my stuffed narwhal to work and faceplanted into him when I was stressed. Life was better.

    Might be nice to wake up wiser, but I believe in you to actually gain the wisdom you want through this.

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    • I’ve always embraced the fact that I’m a bit weird, because that was like a mask in itself. Now I just feel vulnerable. I definitely agree–waking up older, you miss out on opportunities to grow; however, right now , I really miss when my growing pains were the growth plates in my knees, rather than the one in my heart.

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      • I hear you – People talk back and forth about how kids wish they were older so they could do stuff and adults say but there’s so much responsibility and it’s not fun…
        but now that I am an adult, while all that IS true, I’ve learned that the REAL challenge of being an adult children just don’t get is how big and empty the world is and the safety rails you didn’t realize were there disappear and all the trouble IS internal – even if it’s external, it’s internal, because the external troubles smother you.

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