Minute by Minute

Day 9 & 10 (Wednesday & Thursday)

Yesterday was not good. I was angry . . . am angry. . . . I guess that’s one of the stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance–except that acceptance seems to come and go for me. I’m cycling through the other four like there’s no tomorrow. Right now, I’m angry that my best friend said he would be there for me, and he’s nowhere in sight. I’m angry that it’s my fault. I’m angry that I hurt him. I’m angry that what I want most in the world right now would end with someone else, the new girlfriend, getting hurt. I’m angry that I’m obsessing over this. I know this is obsession. I’m not blind or ignorant. I know how unhealthy my mental state is.

Today, my mentor asked why I was so willing to stay extra hours at work. I told her that being at work is better than being home, alone with my thoughts. Work is all-consuming during the hours I’m there. It’s all about solving problems, creating solutions, designing success for my colleagues. I’m not too bad at my job, and I’m passionate about customer service. I’m passionate about trying to forget why everything hurts when I walk in the house, when I go to sleep at night.

Another sleeping pill tonight. Maybe tomorrow I won’t cry. Maybe my thoughts won’t circle. Maybe every song on the radio won’t remind me of him. Maybe I’ll get back to whatever mental state I was in six months ago, when I decided that breaking the promises I made him was the right course of action. I’m not living day by day right now. I’m minute by minute, and each one I’m slipping further away.

At least tonight I’ll sleep.

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