Not A Case of the Mondays

Day 7 (Monday)

Nothing like I’d expected. I didn’t expect to walk into work and tell my mom, “The computer system isn’t working correctly.” I definitely didn’t expect to sit on conference calls for eight hours after that, researching additional computer issues and compiling evidence. I didn’t expect to be emailed by people whose pay grades I can only dream of because of something I figured out.

Yesterday was definitely not what I expected.

Work was awesome. Terrifying–I felt self doubt creeping in every time I turned on the microphone to speak to the directors and vice president handling our situation. My comfort zone was nowhere in sight yesterday, so I guess that means I grew. Still, I’m scared to check my email this morning. I’m afraid to learn that my discoveries were wrong, that I overstepped my boundaries, that I reached out to the wrong person, that I failed my job and my boss and family–you have to realize, those are all the same thing for me.

But the “awesome” part still counts. The day flew by. A colleague from the Seattle days contacted me, and gave me the resources I needed to prove my hypothesis. That’s when the other emails started pouring in, from a senior manager and a VP, and then a director called me out on one of the four conference calls.

One of my supervisors jumped in and did exactly what needed to be done. The director and VP asked for test scenarios, which I passed along, and my supervisor coordinated with the testers. She even did some testing herself, when she saw one of our colleagues was not moving very quickly.

Let me be clear: there is a specific protocol in my department. Agents (like me) fix simple problems over and over and over and over. Leads handle the slightly bigger problems. Supervisors handle specific aspects of the operation, like information flow, or system tests, or training. They’re not to step on each other’s toes. The manager and the senior manager handle the communication with anyone above us.

My senior manager was somewhat surprised to discover my #1 method of handling stress--and simultaneously relieved that it was pen and not permanent.

My senior manager was somewhat surprised to discover my #1 method of handling stress–and simultaneously relieved that it was pen and not permanent.


That organization got all jumbled up yesterday, and you know what? It was fun. It was exciting. Sure, I may walk into work on Thursday and find out I totally made an idiot of myself and I’m being demoted to janitor, but taking responsibility felt good. Working with a team, counting on the right people, treating it all as an adventure . . . it was just perfect.

After I made it home, I drowned my thoughts in Nikita for a few hours, took ibuprofen for the headache and the nausea and the allergies, and went to sleep (listened to Alt AZ–alternative rock radio station–to help my mind turn off–except that Arctic Monkeys played and my thoughts are always very specific during that Arctic Monkeys song, so I ended up staring at the writing on my ceiling until the next song came on). I slept through the night, only waking once.

Still no call from the psychiatrist. I can’t let myself fall back into the pattern of, “I feel fine, so I don’t need help.” That’s part of why I’m documenting the day-to-day, so I can learn my own patterns. I do think it’s time to reach out to another office, though.


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