Letting Go

Day 2 (Wednesday):

  • Woke up to a dream about cutting my hair, which is something I haven’t done for 13 months (a HUGE personal accomplishment)

March 25, 2015Me!

  • Realized that one of my fears about getting psychiatric help is numbness: I don’t want to be numb. One of the things that makes life worth it is feeling everything, the joys, the pains, the passions. I’m afraid of losing my passion while under the influence of prescription drugs. However, I’ve already lost my best friend because of my cycling moods and obsessive thoughts and selfish behaviors. How much more can I risk losing?
  • Cried on my way to work, listening to NPR.
  • Went through the motions, thanks to a bottle of Mountain Dew and obligation and stubbornness.
  • Requested 6 hours off on Friday. I need to go see a friend at 530a.
  • Took a break from going through the motions: I retreated to my mentor’s office and sat on her floor and watched the secondhand flick from tick mark to tick mark and I forgot to breathe. I’ve been forgetting to breathe a lot.
  • Left work three hours earlier than planned.
  • Called the psychiatrist’s office. Everything is automated, so I hung up.
  • Drove home, in silence this time. I didn’t cry.
  • Called the psychiatrist’s office again and left a message. The automation promised that I will get a call back when the doctor has time.
  • Agreed to watch television with Mom. Distraction of choice is Forever (ABC).
  • More toast, a brownie, half of a small chicken breast, and a frozen cookie.
  • Wound down. Wrote some. Told Jenna that I called the doctor.
  • Freaked out (didn’t take a sleeping pill), couldn’t get to sleep until I found the Winnie the Pooh my lost friend gave me for Christmas when I was 17. It took an hour and a half to find it, but I fell asleep almost instantly.

The things I haven’t done may be as notable as the things I have. I haven’t reached out to friends (I don’t have the energy to listen or to speak, and people seem to be uncomfortable with silence). When one friend repeatedly texted me and asked how I was doing, I ignored the question. After my lost friend and his girlfriend became public on Facebook, I deactivated my account. No one aside from my mentor, my mom, my lost friend, and Jenna (my friend from Monday) have a clue what’s going on unless they read my blog. I haven’t told anyone (other than the entire world, but I’m no one, so who cares?).

I haven’t written any fictions. I haven’t danced or gone to CrossFit. I haven’t created a to-do list in two weeks, which is something I normally do first thing when I get to work. I haven’t tried texting my lost friend again. I haven’t felt happy. My energy level is around a 1. My attention span is around 15 – 20 minutes. I’ve not been hungry for days, but I don’t know if that’s the mood disorder or the gastroparesis. Luckily, eating’s a habit. Drinking water . . . not so much.

One more day done. Onto the next.

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